i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
