why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
