I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I think my vagina is haunted
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
