...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I want to have your abortion
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
