i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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