I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
