Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
