just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
