Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
