two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
