It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
