Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
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