I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
We just shotgunned beers for America
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
