So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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