FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
