i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
zippers are such a cool invention
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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