i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
