I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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