Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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