I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
