Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
