Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
even my farts smell like vagina
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
