On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
