You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
