my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My life is pants optional.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
