I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
