Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You are the jesus of drinking
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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