if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize