Sorry, I don't speak sober.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
