Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
