the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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