She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
