I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Holy sore nipples Batman
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
