why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
