why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
