You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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