How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
