i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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