You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
