The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
