In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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