corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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