Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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