Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
