I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My vagina is officially offended.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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