Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
