dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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