if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
This is the high leading the old right now
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Randomize
