Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
