im drinking this country out of the recession.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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