She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
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