Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
