The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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