If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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