so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
