woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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