Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
