before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
last night I used snow as a chaser
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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